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弗吉尼亚大学招生官谈文书

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Fast Food. That's what I think of when I try to draw an analogy with the process of reading application essays.

每当我阅读申请文书的时候就感觉像在吃快餐。

The bad. Ninety percent of the applications I read contain what I call McEssays - usually five-paragraph essays that consist primarily of abstractions and unsupported generalization. They are technically correct in that they are organized and have the correct sentence structure and spelling, but they are boring. Sort of like a Big Mac. I have nothing against Big Macs, but the one I eat in Charlottesville is not going to be fundamentally different from the one I eat in Paris, Peoria or Palm Springs. I am not going to rave about the quality of a particular Big Mac. The same can be said about the generic essay. If an essay starts out: "I have been a member of the band and it has taught me leadership, perseverance and hard work," I can almost recite the rest of the essay without reading it. Each of the three middle paragraphs gives a bit of support to an abstraction, and the final paragraph restates what has already been said. A McEssay is not wrong, but it is not going to be a positive factor in the admission decision. It will not allow a student to stand out.

失败的文书:我读过的百分之九十的申请文书都可称作是汉堡包文书---五段式的结构,内容空洞,缺乏事例和细节。在结构,字句及拼写上虽然无错,但枯燥乏味,就如同一个麦当劳的大汉堡。不是我对汉堡有什么意见,但是我在Charlottesville当地吃到的味道大概和在Paris, Peoria 或 Palm Springs吃到的没有多大不同。因此,我绝对不会特别夸赞某个汉堡有什么独到之处。这和那些枯燥的申请文书一样。如果一篇文章如此开头:“我曾参加过一个乐队,这段经历培养了我的领导能力,坚忍不拔的毅力和努力工作的精神,”我无须读完就可以猜到下文了。中间三段每段都会先有一句抽象的话,然后略微有一些支撑材料,再在最后一段重申一下已经讲过的内容。一篇汉堡式的文章并没有错,但是不会对你的申请起到任何积极作用,因为它不会使你显得与众不同。

A student who uses vague abstractions poured into a preset form will end up being interpreted as a vague series of abstractions. A student who uses cliché becomes, in effect, a cliché. If we are what we eat, we are also what we write.

一个把大量模棱两可的抽象语言浇注到固定模子中的学生把自己也塑造成了一系列模棱两可的抽象形象。一个喜欢使用陈词滥调的学生在别人眼里自身就很陈旧。如果说我们吃的食物塑造着我们的形象,我们的写作风格同样如此。

Not only does a preset form lead to a generic essay, so does a generic approach to what is perceived as the right topic. Far too many students begin the search of what to write about by asking: What does my college want to hear? The thinking goes something like this: If I can figure out what they are looking for, and if I can make myself look like that, then I'll improve my chances.

不但一个固定的形式会造就一篇平淡无奇的文书,用一种常规的思路去理解什么才是该写的内容同样会使文书枯燥乏味。当考虑写什么的问题时,太多的学生首先想到的是:我要申请的学校想听什么?他们的思路是:如果我知道大学的申请委员会想要什么,而且把自己表现成他们想要的样子,我的胜算就会更大。

Several years ago we asked students to describe an invention or creation from the past that was important to them. Our No.1 response - at least a thousand people - was the Declaration of Independence. This might make some people think that our college bound students are wonderfully patriotic, but given that my institution was found by Thomas Jefferson, I have a better answer. My guess is that a significant portion of the people who chose the Declaration did so because they thought we would want to hear about how much they admired Thomas Jefferson. While this may be a noble sentiment or, in some cases, a cynical maneuver, it ultimately meant that we had a thousand essays that sounded pretty much alike and therefore did not affect the admission decision. We are not looking for students who all think the same way, believe the same thing, or write the same essay.

几年前我们的文书题目曾让学生描述历史上一项他们认为重要的发明创造。我们收到的回答中最多的是独立宣言(注:作者是弗吉尼亚大学的申请官)---至少一千份。看起来这些申请人似乎相当有爱国激情,但如果想想弗吉尼亚大学的创建者是杰斐逊,你就该明白个中缘由了吧。我想相当一部分选择这个答案的申请人认为我们很希望听到他们谈论他们是如何地仰慕杰斐逊。无论这是发自内心的真挚感情,还是投机取巧的手段,结果都一样---我们看了一千份大同小异的文书而没对任何一份留下什么印象。我们并不希望录取在思维方式,信仰和写作风格上都千篇一律的学生。

Too often, however students who want to avoid sounding generic with respect to form or content choose exactly the wrong remedy; they think that bigger topics - or bigger words - are better. But it is almost impossible, in 500 words, to write well about vast topics such as the death of a loved one (see excerpt: "the bad"). I am not advocating longer essays (just remember how many applications admissions officers need to read); I am advocating essays with a sharp focus that allows for detail. Detail is what differentiates one essay from another, one applicant from another.

这样的情况时有发生:学生越是想在内容和结构上避免雷同,越是犯错:他们认为题目越大或者用词越大越好。但是想用500字写好例如亲人去世这样大的题目几乎是不可能的。同样我也不赞同把文书写得越长越好(记住申请官的阅读量有多大);我认为好文书应该有鲜明的中心和大量细节。细节的质量才是把一篇文书与另一篇区分开,把一个申请人与另一个区分开的关键。

Instead of detail, however, students try to impress us with big words. In trying to make a topic sound intellectual, students resort to the thesaurus and, as a result, end up sounding pretentious or at least insecure about using the voice they would use to describe an event to a friend. The student assumes that these "impressive" words intensify the experience for a reader rather than diminish it. Before students send off their essay, they should always read it aloud to someone who knows them well; let that person decide if an individual voice comes through.

可学生们往往喜欢用大而空的词语来代替细节,企图以此来给申请官留下好印象。他们不惜查词典寻觅大词来使自己的文章看起来更智慧,实际效果适得其反,这些文书显得矫揉造作,或者至少表露出他们对于使用平常与朋友聊天似的口吻来写文书的不自信。这些学生觉得使用这些了不起的大词会加深给读者的印象而不是起到反作用。我建议学生在投递申请材料前,把申请文书对着一个熟悉自己的人大声读出来,让那个人来判断该文是否体现了你的个性。

The good. A good essay is not good because of the topic but because of the voice. A good writer can make any topic interesting, and a weak writer can make even the most dramatic topic a bore.

优秀的文书:一篇文书优秀不是因为题材特殊而是因为有个性一个好作者能把任何题目写得生动有趣,而一个糟糕的作者能把最戏剧化的题材写得枯燥乏味。

Students need only to recall the difference between two simple concepts - showing and telling. A good essay always shows; a weak essay always tells.

学生只需想想两个简单概念间的区别---描绘和叙述,就能知道好文章与差文章的差距了。好文章描绘,差文章只叙述。

By showing, a writer appeals to all of the senses, not just the visual. To show means to provide a feast for the eyes, ears and, depending on the essay, the mouth, nose or skin. But rather than telling a reader what show is, it is much easier to show what showing is.

描绘的时候,作者能调动读者所有的感官而不仅仅是视觉。描绘意味着给读者的视觉,听觉,甚至味觉,嗅觉和触觉来一场盛宴。请看下边的实例:

The student whose essay appears below, an example of "the good," has undertaken the task of describing - that is, of showing, in detail - the deterioration of her father as he gets treated for cancer. I do not know of a single member of our staff who was not deeply affected by this essay, the whole of which is as well done as the excerpt. What is impressive about the essay is the willingness of the writer to carefully notice everything that is happening. She opens with a sound, that coughing, and then creates a visual scene that we can see clearly. I said before that writing about death and sickness is perhaps one of the most difficult topics to tackle in a college essay, but here we have an example of why this topic can demonstrate not only writing ability but the courage to face a terrible situation head-on with intellect and power. Compare this with the other essay about death. There, even though the writer was saturated with emotions, he was merely telling us, in abstract terms, what he felt.

下边这段节选是一个优秀的运用细节来描绘的例子:她描写了父亲在接受癌症治疗过程中身体状况的逐渐恶化。我们申请委员会的每个成员都被这篇文书深深地打动。这篇文书最令人难忘的地方是作者对于周围事物无比细微的观察。文章用父亲的一声咳嗽开头,接着给读者描绘了一幅清晰的画面。我前边提到过疾病与死亡大概是在申请文书有限的字数内最难写好的话题之一,但这里我们看到一个成功的例子。这篇文书不但体现了作者的写作能力,同时还有勇于直面一个如此可怕的情况的智慧和力量。把这篇和另外一篇关于死亡的文书做个比较。在另外一篇中,虽然作者满怀感情,但他却只是用抽象的语言来叙述他的感受。

A writer who shows respects the intelligence of the reader; a writer who tells focuses on the ideas, or the perceived ideas, behind the details. He or she is more concerned about demonstrating the ability to be abstract than the ability to be precise. In a short, personal essay, precision is power.

一个擅长描绘的作者尊重读者的聪明才智;一个只叙述的作者注重的是细节后边所要表达的思想感情。这样的作者更关心的是展示他们抽象表达的能力,而不是观察和描述精准的能力。但是在一篇短小而个性化的文章中,准确才是最大的亮点。

The risky. Any student who has already learned the basics of showing should think about taking a risk on the college essay. What kind of risk?  Think about starting an essay with: "I sat in the back of the police car." Or, as in the example (below): "The woman wanted breasts." These first sentences use what journalists call a hook. The sentence reaches out from the page and grabs our attention. It creates a bit of controversy and an expectation that the writer might be willing to take academic risks in the classroom. A good hook does not mean that a good essay will follow, but it does mean that a reader will look forward to seeing what will unfold.

冒险的文书:基本懂得了如何描绘的学生应该考虑在写作的时候冒点风险。什么样的险值得冒?例如这样开头:“我坐在警车的后排座上。”或者,“这个女人一心想要隆胸。”这样的开头使用了记者们常说的诱饵。这样的句子仿佛从纸上伸出手一把抓住了读者的注意力。它制造了一份大胆的悬念,大胆到有争议,而录取官往往从中也看到申请人在未来大学学习中也许同样是那个在学术领域敢于想别人之不敢想的创新者。当然,一个好的开头不代表下文一定是一篇好文章,但它能确保读者会迫不及待地往下看。

A risky essay can border on the offensive. In some cases, as in the excerpt, it is possible that a few readers might write off an applicant based upon questionable taste. That is the danger of taking a risk. People wonder if they will be penalized if they do take a risk in an application. They want to know, in other words, if there is any risk in taking a risk. Yes, there is. I can say, however, that my experience in the admissions field has led me to conclude the great majority of admissions officers are an open-minded lot and that to err on the side of the baroque might not be as bad as to stay in the comfort of the boring.

一篇冒险的文书有时候也会令人反感。一些情况下,如在下边例子中,有些读者会因为质疑作者的品味而对申请人全盘否定。这是冒险的代价。学生经常怀疑是否会因为写一篇大胆的文书而受到惩罚。也就是说,冒险本身是不是冒险呢?是的。但根据我本人在申请领域的工作经历,绝大多数申请官思想开放,因此在猎奇方面冒一点险比写一篇随大流的枯燥文书要好得多。

The best essays are crafted not from a formula for success but by a voice that is practiced. Those who are willing to take a risk, to focus on that part of the world that matters to them and to show the passion and the practice it takes to write about it well, will help their chances of admission through their essay.

最好的文书不是遵循任何所谓的成功模式写出来的,而是能够表达一个经过反复锤炼的独特的声音。那些新颖大胆的文书,那些能体现出作者真正关心身边生活并且为了写好它倾注了激情和努力的文书会帮助申请人在申请过程中脱颖而出。

 

Excerpts from essays to U.Va.
--The bad: From an early age, we accept death as the inevitable, but do not comprehend its actual denotation. Death is the impending future that all people must eventually grasp. In my early teens, my grandfather tragically perished. As a youth who did not identify with such a cataclysm I was saturated with various emotions. Initially, I was grieved by the loss of a loved one and could not understand why this calamity had to befall upon my family. I always considered death to have a devastating effect, but was shocked by the emotional strain it places upon an individual.

--The good: The coughing came first, the hacking in the middle of the night. Then there were the multiple doctor visits, each one the same: the little white rooms with magazines where I tried not to stare at the bald, gaunt woman across from me. One of the white coats finally said something, steadily, forecasting an 80 percent change of rain. The list of second opinions grew too long to count, looking for someone to say the right thing. Finally, there was relief in hearing the name of a kinder killer: lymphoma.

--The risky: The woman wanted breasts. She had fame waiting on her like a slave, money dripping from her fingertips and men diving into her being. Yet she wanted breasts because the world wanted her to have a bust. She looked at the big black and white glossy of herself arching on a silken carpet and knew that the world would be satisfied with her airbrush deception.

------------This woman is us. My family has been in existence for nearly 20 years now, and we are aging and losing our own breasts and tight face - the giddy happiness of a child's unconditional love for his family, the young family's need for each other. Yet, we are constantly pressured by society's family icons into compromising our change and age instead of accepting it.

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